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Blewtooth Blues

by Anne Colville

Sometime, somewhere in the future, Mr. Smith opens the door to his brand new refrigerator, hears a voice, and quality of life changes forever...

DAY 1 (Saturday 9 a.m.): "Well hello there and good morning, Mr. S! So glad to finally get the chance to greet you! Hope you¹re feeling chipper this bright and sunny day! Let me introduce myself. I¹m BRENDA THE BLEWTOOTH REFRIGERATOR, your lifestyle resource manager and in-home AI supercomputer. With LCD and TV screen, PC and keyboard, remote, built-in modem, 24/7/366 superspeed Internet access, and much, much more... see? Plus the latest modem and wireless features to communicate with other Blewtooth compatible units and a host of other electronic devices... anywhere, anytime, around the whole world! And... you wonder how I can talk? Well, I¹m the very very VERY most advanced refrigerator in the world with voice synth capabilities... You say you want a beer? At this hour of the morning, Mr. S? Look, there¹s orange juice, apple juice, mango juice, milk, iced coffee, and some nice fresh eggs. I can get Sammy to scramble an omelet for you. Oh, that¹s Sammy the Blewtooth SuperSkillet, right over there on the counter. We came as a set along with Myrna the Blewtooth Microwave and Kevin the Blewtooth Coffeemaker and all the appliances in your nice new Blewtooth house and lifestyle. Say hello and good morning to Mr. S, guys! Yes, of course they all talk. What do you mean by Upstairs, Downstairs? I only saw Gosford Park. Now back to breakfast. You just want a beer? Not good for the little tum-tum, Mr. S. Well, since it¹s your day off, so all right, this time. Pleased to meet you, a pleasure to serve you, and may I say on behalf of all of us Blewteeth, Mr. S..." (Refrigerator door shuts abruptly.)

DAY 2 (Sunday noon): (Refrigerator door opens slowly. Brenda¹s voice heard.) "Well good afternoon, Mr. S! Isn¹t it a nice day despite all that rain and wind and sleet? You know, life is what you make it, as I was just saying to Kevin and Myrna and Sammy. We missed you since we didn¹t see you after yesterday morning. and you came home late. You really had a beautiful long sleep, didn¹t you, Mr. S? That was courtesy of Barbara, your new Blewtooth SuperBed & SweetDreams Resource Center. What will you be wanting for brunch, Mr. S? I can order something scrumptious from Sonny the Blewtooth Supermarket PC over at the mall. He¹s always on call! Oh no trouble, always happy to make you happy. You say you just want a beer? Now, that won¹t do, Mr. S. I¹ve got a responsibility to watch out for your health and welfare and... yes, I know it¹s later in the day, but it¹s just past noon and Bernie your new Blewtooth MiniBartender doesn¹t open for Happy Hour until 5. So I¹ll have Kevin put on the coffee and Sammy rustle up some eggs and sausage and we won¹t even mention all the cholesterol and Trina your new Blewtooth Toaster can... Well, if you¹ve simply got to rush off to the office without eating a bite just to make it to some special meeting, I can¹t stop you. Although I didn¹t hear about this meeting from Perky your new Blewtooth PDA. I hope you¹ll have a really good trip in your new SUV. That¹s Nancy the Blewtooth AutoNavigator at the controls so you can drive, thrive, and come home alive..." (Refrigerator door shuts sharply.)

DAY 3 (Monday 6 a.m.): (Refrigerator door opens an inch. Brenda¹s voice heard.) "Well good morning, Mr. S! Aren¹t you an early riser! The early birdie always gets worms, doesn¹t it! No, I didn¹t learn about the ³Diet of Worms² at the Blewtooth AI Manufacturing and Programming Academy. Anyway, how would you like your beer this morning? Over easy? You know, Perky the PDA thinks you¹re carrying a beer around in your briefcase right now. And... wait... don¹t slam that..." (Refrigerator door bangs shut, PDA slams into something hard.)

DAY 4 (Tuesday 7 a.m.): (Refrigerator door remains shut, but Brenda¹s voice emerges.) "Well, good morning, Mr. S! Yes, I see you, even as you tiptoe across the kitchen with that canned coffee in your hand. At least it looks like coffee. I know you bought a canned coffee and a canned gin and tonic in the beverage section of the supermarket. I know because Samantha the Blewtooth Supermarket Scanner told me so. You know, Mr. S, I think you¹re under stress and speaking for all of us Blewteeth, we¹re really totally concerned about your health and well-being. It¹s NO GOOD camping out on the floor in a sleeping bag when Barbara your Blewtooth SuperBed is simply aching to make you feel all warm and comfy. It¹s NO GOOD standing in the snow waiting for the bus when you¹ve got that superbly sporty and sumptuous new Blewtooth SUV in the garage. By the way, the bus has a Blewtooth AutoNavigator, too, although I¹m going to have to get his name in case you want to take the bus to work all the time. And furthermore... wait, wait... don¹t go..." (House door slams.)

DAY 5 (Wednesday): (No interaction.)

DAY 6 (Thursday midnight): (Kitchen door opens an inch. Brenda¹s voice heard.) ³Well, good evening, Mr. S! We¹re all so relieved to see you again. We were so worried when you stayed overnight at the office on that awful lumpy couch. No din-din, no sleep. And you¹re walking everywhere, too! You walked to the car dealer to try to have Nancy the Blewtooth AutoNavigator disconnected, which won¹t work, by the way. And you walked to a real estate agent to see about selling your lovely new Blewtooth house. Dave your Blewtooth Notebook at work told us about it and all of us Blewteeth were just devastated at your lack of trust in us when we¹re doing our damnedest to help you out of this pickle you¹re in at work. What pickle? This big account review on Friday that you haven¹t been told about! Tomorrow! Look, Perky your Blewtooth PDA is OK, even if you did throw her against the wall, and when you didn¹t come home, she talked to Dave your Blewtooth Notebook at work. Dave started checking around the office for you. He heard about weird e-mails that weren¹t being routed to you and talked to the office IT system and the rest of the Blewteeth there. And did you know that little weasel of a guy in the next to next cube is trying to cozy up to a nice lady on the account team that screwed up? You¹re being set up to take the blame for this big foul-up. Well, all of us Blewteeth are going to take good care of you all the way, Mr. S. Now, here¹s what we¹ve got set up for the big presentation tomorrow...² (Brenda¹s voice fades to a whisper.)

DAY 7 (Friday midnight): (Brenda¹s dulcet evening voice heard.) "Well, good evening, Mr. S! Aren¹t you smiling! Bernie the MiniBartender¹s got your favorite beer, or how about a vodka martini with lots of olives, just the way you like it? How did it go? We were all watching on video link, but it¹s the human details that really count. Put your feet up, and tell us... tell me... all about your day... dear..." (Voice fades.)

DAY 10 (Monday 7 a.m.): (Brenda¹s cheery morning voice heard.) "Well, good morning, Mr. S! Looks grim outside, but all¹s well! Car¹s warmed up, coffee¹s ready, got CNN headlines, Perky¹s set to synch with Dave at the office, 9 a.m. meeting (to fire that little weasel in the next to the next cube), noon lunch with the boss (to commend you on your great work in solving the account mess), here¹s a sandwich for a late afternoon snack, and we¹ll have your Mount 'O Olives martini waiting for you when you come home after a late dinner to thank that nice account lady. Although, even if it isn¹t my place to say this, Mr. S, I hope you¹ll get to know her really well before you even think about getting engaged, maybe in about two years, anyway I¹ll check all her references... Oh, and the new dog is waiting to go out. No, not for walkies. This is Bobbie the Blewtooth Watchdog, ready to go your office and stand guard whenever you aren¹t there..." (Voice fades.)

© Algorithmica Japonica Copyright Notice: Copyright of material rests with the individual author. Articles may be reprinted by other user groups if the author and original publication are credited. Any other reproduction or use of material herein is prohibited without prior written permission from TPC. The mention of names of products without indication of Trademark or Registered Trademark status in no way implies that these products are not so protected by law.

Algorithmica Japonica

January , 2003

The Newsletter of the Tokyo PC Users Group

Submissions : Editor

Tokyo PC Users Group, Post Office Box 103, Shibuya-Ku, Tokyo 150-8691, JAPAN